This is an instance in my life where I’ve had this happen. The way I deal with things I learn how it gets easier by learning from my past experiences. Sometimes I bring down my wall and will let people in. Then there are times where I wish I had’t let that wall down, it is mentally draining. It’s been a real long road to recovery with lots of learning and surprises on the way. This all started back when I was letting in “friends” from my private YouTube. It’s all over now and I hold no ill-will towards the old group. A friendship built and broken down quickly. I chose to delete them all from my life, I have a family and having those now strangers injected in some way of my personal life wasn’t acceptable anymore. I’m talking and sharing this experience, because I am ready to share it, also it may help someone else who is stuck in a situation like this. It’s not easy for me to open up as much even with my closest of closest friends who i’m very tight with. It’s who I am. Although at one point when meeting a friend I had the door wide open, he asks sometimes why now I’m all closed up. The reason is because of all these mentally draining aspects that hampered me and wrecked things it’s caused me to keep that door closed again to all.
I’ve been on YouTube for so long, I gained a regular following and we became close. It started getting more serious adding friends on social media sites most notably Facebook. Then from there we chatted and gained a closer bond. It was forming a close friendship and it had me hooked. Most of the same interests and things. I used to usually be the one also Mr nice me, sending gifts and promoting YouTube channels. What I got back? nothing more than a thank you, maybe some promises of “oh I will send you something back” not that I cared but time over and over never happened. It wouldn’t be until later I figured out why but no matter. See drama was apart of YouTube mostly with those making gaming trades or spreading false gossip around. I steered clear of those. To be fair and I will explain later, sadly I did get wrapped up and was involved in some drama. Totally wasn’t worth it at all.
I’ll skip ahead a bit since everything was relatively slow same old same old nothing really new. This is where it picks up. Facebook most I’m sure know you can create a group and add people. I mean why not great idea making friends and whatnot what could go wrong!?… Little did I know this was the beginning of the end, adding people you are adding a lot of personalities, sometimes you add way beyond immature kids who think they are funny. They are kept around in the group because they have a higher YouTube subscriber count and said individuals running group wanted no action involved because they didn’t want “hurt feelings” let me tell you this, when your in control of a group, sure you don’t want to run it like your controlling and dictating everything. Though when inappropriate actions and trolling happens, you take action like a grown up and do whats best. If you don’t you look like an incompetent fool. Now imagine these situations but multiply them and make it almost an everyday occurrence. When I was growing up, no matter what yes I acted a bit immature at times, though it wasn’t to a degree of a social stupidness with threats and racial actions. I matured very fast for my age also.
So a lot of this for a long time. See something I didn’t know, this was where I was starting to get mentally drained. I was involved and very much apart of this group. I was making “friends” I got close with some people. Although I did learn that it was all just a huge one way friendship but that adds to the mentally draining of yourself. Things got real bad in this group when a bunch of horrible trolls claiming to be good and your friends came into the group. They purposely caused drama and trouble. It went and got as far so bad that these people took my private photos and started making meme’s of them. Totally disturbing, then the friends and the group admin you’d think who was a close friend to you would have your back and do something? All they were worried about was the status of their Facebook group and whether or not the group who stole my pics would be hurt by him if he took action. I had a few who helped me with the situation. What happened after? nobody batted an eye, like it never happened. They all went back to that disturbing troll group, why’s that? they were worried they had upset or offended him, they were worried that they wouldn’t get the attention to help grow their popularity or subscribers count on YouTube. I owe my one friend a huge apology. Mr. Earl “Chilliwack” Jones Skinner. (that isn’t his real name he knows it though) I figured out later on why I did nothing or may have circled back to them, I was mentally beat up and destroyed. I am sorry friend.
You know this sent me into a huge deep dark stage of not understanding who I was anymore. Things I used to love and the interaction from being on YouTube slowly died. Everything I built up for that was all for not. Not sure how I didn’t see all this blows my mind now as I’m typing all this up. Me and my friend eventually started a new group up. I’ll tell you though at least me and him had good authority and control of the group. It’s some of the people in the group that were huge questions. I would say a lot of them were stuck in this loop of life where social media was some power struggle game that they wanted at the top of this mountain. The old group and the friends I had made there were becoming distant. Though after time had healed, a scar was there. A lot was never the same and very broken. A few of those “friends” from the circle had their own other issues. One was this kid who was contempt with dropping out of high school at 9th grade, thought he was going to stumble and work his way into some full time job. The kid actually did get some job but only lasted 5 minutes. I tried to give the kid some advice as someone else in that position gave it to me way back when. It’s how I kept going. Apparently the kid didn’t like that so I bugged off. Maybe one day he’ll realize you shouldn’t be turning your back on some whole stuff like that. One of the other kids pulled a disgusting act. A fake suicide. There are honestly no words to this. I even did a trade with him. Well I sent my stuff, him? never sent it back. I got robbed hence also why I don’t do trades. I’ll be honest it’s all in the past now, I’ve deleted them and moved on. It took a little bit because I took these folks as close friends. Happily I’ve finally been able to move on.
That’s one of the main things also I should discuss. How I helped myself. There’s still a bit to add but some of the things I did was let go. Real tough sometimes cause it was something I was so used to. Then I had to go and delete those that were deep in the toxic circles and those that were posed as “fake” friends. You think “hey will they even ask or think about me? what about all that help I gave them with friends and YouTube?” It’s all for not, it was complete waste of time and effort. Later on myself I seeked to clear my mind. Walked out. Now what I mean by that is drop social media and went hidden for a while. Though I didn’t go “dark” like this one “friend” mentioned, honestly that person was only using me to get more subscribers on YouTube also. I found out also that this person was a liar also. It was him who was “dark” Anyways, there were a couple people whom I’d only talk to. That helped keep me afloat while I went to figure things out. I removed myself from the situations and places, in return I was slowly healing mentally.
So how did it all end? Well the group me and my friend made was now just a total toxic pool. Nothing we’d done and nothing really we could do to repair it. Not only were (not all members, a few of them were really great folks) the people so caught up in their own ego and some god-like power, they had forgot how me and my friend helped them with their YouTube channels and popularity in general. Well for some odd reason the group up and went itself. Pretty much doing us and Facebook a favor. What came next was the most disgusting thing. I was contacted by a few people. I mean wow cool right since I had been missing in action? Nope all they were concerned about was themselves and threatening me and my friend. Just a bunch of low sorry folks. Totally unreal. You know how fast they got over it? Apparently they had a secret group already up and running, were me and my friend ever included? Mind you we were responsible for 95% of those connections and all. Nobody batted an eye about us. Just shows you how little we were thought of and all the work we had done. May as well just been invisible for the whole time. It just all add’s up mentally draining you. It’s a lot it’s tough. Little did I know too that was a major start of the healing process.
This was 4 years of pain and torture. 4 years of a whole bunch of wasted time with what was just a huge fake toxic pool. It taught me so much, I regret the fact that it took so long. Still even over the time I’m still sweeping away the remains, just now seems like some huge nightmare. It’s taken me almost over a year to figure out who I am again, just to heal my mental self. I’ve taken the big steps. How about my friend? A partner who was invested with me in this? They took a hell of a great genuine guy and just took him for granted. You don’t just meet quality people like that. You keep them around. I’m humbled to still have him around, hope we can watch some Adam-12 again soon.
My message to those that read this and we were at one point friends “friends” or close in a circle. I always echoed remember what you have before it’s gone. I was there and I was loyal, I cared a lot. I was apart of those moments and when needed of help I was called upon and answered. I’m done now, because it’s you you’ll only care about yourself, how others see you, your popularity or whatnot. Whoever you were or are you became a fake friend. You became the disgrace of what a gaming community was, you became a disgrace to what was once a loyal friendship. All for what? YouTube? group? popularity? for what? I hold no ill-will I am good, and I’ll be way more better than I ever was. I’ll go on and educate and share those horrid times so that those won’t fall into the same trap of years wasted such as I did. I let you in, I opened that door for all you who came in and destroyed my place. I’m happy I’ve kicked you all out and slammed shut the door. I never imagined how badly I have hurt myself or was so destroyed mentally, I walked to that far edge, I thought about it. I had the support to stay strong and I pulled through. I never thought in my life I would be back to a point where I felt no meaning of life anymore, all because of this torture I was put through for years and friendships that mentally killed me. I survived, I will go on. Those around me never knew how bad this had gotten to. Health issues plaguing me and a mental strain of death surrounding me. Rebuilding myself has been the best thing I’ve done. You will sit there and play victim your troop of loyal followers will sit there and you’ll all agree while your bashing over me. That’s all you guys do, sit and message it up in your little own world. Well now my world is set and free!
I speak to you, you who have come to read this wondering what you can take from this if you get stuck in this hole. Just climb out, when you can’t climb out build your way out. There is always a way out. Shut it down. You don’t owe anyone an explanation on anything. Find yourself, remember who you were before it ate you away and destroyed you mentally. It’s hard but find other things that will help you, walking, gaming, reading, tv, movies, just anything that will help you get out of that toxic pool. Feel free to even send me a message if you need more help, I am always happy to help.
My last writing’s of this post I dedicate to my friend I call Earl. To be honest I call him many names inside my ever changing landscape of my ideas and mind. I am so very sorry you got so wrapped up in this, it even really affected me and I came off as such a different person. I was not that friend who was by your side. I am humbled and thankful you have stuck with me after it all. It truly means a lot and you understanding my healing of my mental self from all those toxic experiences. Those group of people I mention, will just be a memory that drove in and destroyed years of us all mentally and filled us with toxicity so bad that we were stuck and never knew. They wrecked me so badly that when I left and our separation, it was all for healing purposes. I am ever so glad we were able to reconnect and meeting up outside of that toxic hole. It feels like the end of the first Jaws movie where they blow up the shark with nothing left of the boat, Roy finds his partner just floating around and they swim back to shore. How about Jurassic Park when the Dr thought his friend sacrificed himself so they could get out of a situation, they met up at the end on the helicopter. We connected again in a happier and much more better environment. I will be there for you if you got sucked back in or they poke through trying to destroy our kingdom once again. We will survive. I wrote this here so others can see and maybe understand just how truly bad this whole experience was. To those others reading thinking I shouldn’t air my dirty laundry or anything like that. Until you have been in one of these environments you don’t truly know how damaging it is, when your left alone and left in your mind for dead its truly a horrible and sinking feeling.
I thank you for reading today’s post, please again feel free to share any thoughts or feelings. Out of respect for everyone no names or information will be shared. There is no grudge or ill-will. Though I wasn’t going to keep silent with this, I can use my voice or my writing to connect and share my feelings and experiences with something like this. I am humbled and thankful for your continued support and following along. Back to our regular content now! Special thanks also to my friend Kate who encouraged me also to speak out and help myself, also for being there for me also. Thanks sis!